Relearning to be me

There is always new life. Whether it is outside in nature or the belly of my beautiful Daughter in Love. I am going to be a Grandma very soon. I feel like I was born for this. As crazy as being a 6-year-old dreaming of getting married and having my own babies to take care of. Now, I dream of grandchildren to fill my life.  It is so surreal. I was a kid myself just a minute ago. Playing in the yard, climbing trees, and pumping my legs as fast as I could as the swing brought me higher and higher into the air. No fear of anything, just wanting to reach the sky and play among the clouds.

I have lived many lives since then. Many lives since I was a child in my parent’s home. Dreaming dreams, writing in my journal, and making up stories, and characters. Playing in the sand on the beach, and going on vacations with Nanny and Poppy. Posters of a childhood crush on my walls as a teenager emerged from where a child once was. I was married and moved away from everyone I knew and loved. Crushing blows around trying to have children, surgeries, and procedures, the end of a marriage. New love and new marriage bring two beautiful souls into this world. My heart is full. Another marriage ends, and I move home. I navigate being a single parent, one minute everyone is home and the next they have moved out on their own. I learn how to be just me swirling around this planet, I find and lose love again. I took on the caregiving of my Dad and moved away. Time flitters and flies and my hair turned silver. Ten or more years go by. But I am not old, because I have this dream in my heart again. This dream of writing and painting each day. Working through adversity and coming out a different being. Being a Grandma and being a part of their lives for many more years to come.

I wonder what else will grow in the garden this year, what seeds will turn into flowers, the colors of the petals against the green foliage. I pray for peace over the country and the world so that we shall no longer see wars or conflicts. That peace will prevail over the world. Will the leaves turn all the beautiful colors of fall and explode over the mountains? The crunch of the fallen leaves underfoot. All of the beauty of the earth and the bounty of the harvest is just but a minute away. The farmstands are loaded and people giving away their bounties of zucchini which seem to grow more and more each year. Free zucchini with any purchase!

The town is alive with summer people, they are different from the ones that come in the winter to ski. These people are more laid back and enjoy nature as it unfolds whereas the skiers seem to be more adrenaline junkies and come for the excitement of the slopes, and they retire early so that they can be first in the chairs in the morning. This weekend is the AMR Open Studio weekend. I have a map and I have been enjoying others work. There are so many artists in the Catskills. I have never gone all of these years. There was always something else that was more pressing. This year I will change that. This brings out people from all over including the city. I met so many talented artists so far. It has been a “wonder-filled” event. The first day I went and spent the afternoon in Andes and that was quite fun. Today, I will be spending the day in my town. Tomorrow after church and the baby shower I will continue down the road and see what other artists are on the map.  Sadly, there is not enough time for me to visit all of the 60-plus studios this year.  It certainly has been fun to do.  I am out of my comfort zone, but once I start engaging with the artists I feel so much more at ease.

Coming home is hard though, I am blessed that I have Finn to greet me. I just feel like Dad is going to pop out of his room at any moment or come around the corner to the kitchen to see what I am cooking. I have been playing a lot of music each day to drown out the silence. I feel like I am living two different lives. One where I cannot concentrate on anything and another where I am hyper-focused to complete a task. This is grief and it is miserable. It is impossible to know when it will just creep and upend my day, or if the guilt of enjoying myself will send me over the edge.